itsnotmydaddys
Dedicated LVC Member
Got these from my mom, sorry i didnt take out all the > it would be a pain in the A$$
> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and
> values.
> Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
> you?"
> Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?
>
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> A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
> all of my intelligence come from?
>
> The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
> mother, cause I still have mine"
>
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> -
> "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
> court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
> "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every
> now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I
> don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
> "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook
> and really good with the kids.
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
> curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
> that were used to put the curse on you.
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
> wife."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
> 1. All the DNA is the same.
> 2. There are no dental records.
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
> long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
> The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
> "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up..
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez
> "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
> "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
> What is a golf gun?"
> "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
> chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken
> in water. And then you dump the stock.
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
> wearing
> the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the
best
> of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?"
> The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
> buying me a drink."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
>
> Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
> Joe: "Really?"
> Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
> feeling.
> "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
> surgery,"
> he answered.
> "What did he say?" asked the nurse.
> "OOPS!"
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
> display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
> pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
> my husband's advice.
>
> "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
> "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped
> the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
> He said, "I did that by accident."
> She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
> He replied, "How did you know?"
> She said, "Because you didn't say ":q:q:q:q:q:q:q" afterwards.
>>
> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and
> values.
> Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
> you?"
> Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
> all of my intelligence come from?
>
> The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
> mother, cause I still have mine"
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
> court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
> "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every
> now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I
> don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
> "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook
> and really good with the kids.
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
> curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
> that were used to put the curse on you.
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
> wife."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
> 1. All the DNA is the same.
> 2. There are no dental records.
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
> long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
> The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
> "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up..
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez
> "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
> "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
> What is a golf gun?"
> "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
> chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken
> in water. And then you dump the stock.
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
> wearing
> the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the
best
> of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?"
> The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
> buying me a drink."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
>
> Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
> Joe: "Really?"
> Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
> feeling.
> "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
> surgery,"
> he answered.
> "What did he say?" asked the nurse.
> "OOPS!"
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
> display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
> pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
> my husband's advice.
>
> "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
> "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
> Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped
> the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
> He said, "I did that by accident."
> She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
> He replied, "How did you know?"
> She said, "Because you didn't say ":q:q:q:q:q:q:q" afterwards.
>>
