Another Rove Ploy

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Bush To Steal Attention From Dems By Riding Mountain Bike While
Eating Pretzels

President Bush plans to ride his mountain bike while eating pretzels at his ranch in Texas as the Democrats hold their convention in Boston. A large number of TV crews will cover the president's activity in the event of an accident involving a spill and/or choking.

Bush denies that he's deliberately trying to steal coverage away from the Democratic Convention. 'These are just heartland activities that an American president from the heartland who does not fear danger does when relaxing in the heartland of America,' Bush said.

A reporter at the ranch claims to have spotted presidential advisor Karl Rove loosening some of the spokes of Bush's bicycle. An anonymous White House source noted that while the president will wear cycling equipment and a medical team will be on hand to ensure his safety, any footage of Bush careening off his bike would dominate television news coverage. 'There'd be a lot more visual interest in that than any of the blowhards at the Democrat's podium,' the source said.

 

[97silverlsc]

9/11 Panel Reports
No Evidence of 'Collaborative Relationship' Between Cheney and Reality

The commission investigating the September 11, 2001 attacks concluded after exhaustive research that there was no collaborative relationship between Vice President Dick Cheney and reality.

Staff investigators looked into numerous intelligence claims that Cheney had in fact met with and faced reality in his dealings with Iraq but was unable to find any hard evidence to support this.

'He has spent the past few years living in his bunker in this delusional, ideological world convinced everything is somehow connected to Saddam Hussein and he doesn't let facts intrude,' said one of the staff members.

Cheney bitterly disputed the finding in a rare media appearance on cable television and claimed he has new evidence that Saddam was in frequent contact with Darth Vader about joining forces for evil. 'Frankly the lazy, liberal press don't have a clue about what we face battling the dark side of the force,' Cheney said.

 

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Rumsfeld Apologizes For Subjecting Iraqi Prisoners To Final 'Friends' Episode

A humbled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told the Senate Armed Services Committee that he offered his 'deepest apology' for subjecting Iraqi prisoners to the final episode of the sit-com 'Friends.'

'Frankly I though all the abuse had come to a halt at the Abu Ghraib prison and now I found out that prisoners were rounded up and forced to endure a showing of this TV show that doesn't reflect the America I know. Frankly no one should have to suffer such indignity,' Rumsfeld said in a solemn tone.

Several senators who had been resisting calls for Rumsfeld's resignation thought this crossed the line. 'Mr. Secretary this despicable incident happened on your watch and there will be hell to pay,' said Senator Bowlen Badger of Louisiana.

Rumsfeld told the senators he has already formed a 'Friends' commission to investigate how this incident occurred and who was involved. Photographs of horror-stricken prisoners reacting to the broadcast were secretly released by someone at the prison to the media. There are concerns of wide-spread protest marches in Iraq as a result.

 

[97silverlsc]

Iraqi Council Signs Constitution After
Gay Marriage
Amendment Is Dropped

Iraq's puppet council signed a historic constitution establishing a new government after an impasse was resolved over an amendment banning gay marriage. The amendment has been pressed upon the members by the U.S. administrator in Iraq who contended that a constitutional ban would demonstrate to the world that Iraqis uphold the true principles of democracy, equality and freedom.

Shiite council members had objected to the measure, contending that this was an issue of individual tribe rights rather than a constitutional one. 'We thought you'd have to be out of your mind to tamper with the constitution on such a volatile issue,' said one of the Shiite council members.

The fact that the council was able to agree on a framework for a constitution at all was hailed as significant achievement considering the diversity and varied concerns of its members. In addition to 13 Shiites, it includes five Kurds, Five Sunni Arabs, two members of Bechtel and Halliburton and one member of the Martha Stewart jury.

 

[97silverlsc]

Bush: Saddam did have weapons related fantasies on sticky notes

President Bush defended his decision to invade Iraq by claiming that sticky notes found in Saddam's rat hole indicated the former dictator harbored fantasies about developing weapons of mass destruction related potentialities for future possible programs. 'We couldn't afford to let these fantasies grow into a full blown delusional threat to world peace and the very existence of mankind, so we had no choice but to take him out on my timetable without any freakin permission slips,' Bush said from the oval office.

The president made the comments in light of an admission by his former chief weapons inspector in Iraq that Saddam's weapons had been destroyed years ago under contract with Halliburton when Dick Cheney was its CEO. Democrats demanded an inquiry into the intelligence that was used by the White House to justify the war but President Bush termed the request 'treasonous, hate speech and once again comparing him to Hitler.'

 

[MonsterMark]

Somebody call a Psychiatrist. Phil needs help.

 

[Katshot]

Are you nuts?! This is funny stuff!!!!

 

[mespock]

Are you nuts?! This is funny stuff!!!!

Bring back the Bushes on Comedy Central!!!

This is pretty good stuff :N

I guess there will be lots of humorous stuff these next 4 bush years. There won't be any interesting bush stuff. Scary maybe but not interesting.