Funny Stories

[pepperman]

The Joys of Owning Pets.
You don't have to own an animal to appreciate this one..!!

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird.

The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away.. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

 

[pepperman]

Planning for The Football Season in The North and South

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.


Women's Accessories


NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.


Stadium Size


NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.


Fathers


NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.


Campus Decor


NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.


Homecoming Queen


NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.


Heroes


NORTH: Rudy Giuliani

SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson


Getting Tickets


NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.


Monday Classes After a Saturday Game


NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.


Parking


NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.


Game Day


NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.


Tailgating


NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.


Getting to the Stadium


NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.


Concessions


NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.


When National Anthem is Played


NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.


The Smell in the Air After the First Score


NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.


Commentary (Male)


NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."


Commentary (Female)


NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."


Announcers


NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.


After the Game


NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.


Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!

 

[cavemansmarkviii]

LMAO I love it, both so true also.

 

[pepperman]

F.E.M.A. and Three Wishes

FEMA

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: ... If the government offers you anything, there's ALWAYS going to be a string attached!

 

[95lscowner]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[torquemonkey]

The writer who penned that North/South has obviously never been to an Ohio State Football game.

 

[pepperman]

The REAL Reason I called in Sick - An Old Classic

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened,"The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" . . . .Pause. . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

 

[pepperman]

Do NOT Talk To My Parrot!

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See, men just don't listen !

 

[pepperman]

The Blonde nurse Walks into a Bank

A Blonde Nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some :q:q:q:q:q:q:q's got my pen.

 

[pepperman]

How Many SEC Students Doea it take Change a Light Bulb

How Many SEC Students Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?


At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.


At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.


At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.


At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.


At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.


At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.


At KENTUCKY : it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.


At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama .


At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".


At AUBURN : it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.


At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.


At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

 

[pepperman]

FARMERS HIRE STRIPPERS TO ATTRACT FUNERAL CROWD

(China) - Farmers in a small Chinese town, Jiangsu, have hired strippers at their funerals to attract larger crowds, China Central Television reported. The local people believe that the more people gathered at a funeral, the more luck it will bring to the family and offspring of the deceased. So, some families hire striptease troupes to attract more people.

This stripping spectacle has reportedly become one of the town's most popular nighttime events, especially among migrant workers. Some local residents even host a rival show with two performances on the each side of the street close to the mourning hall and their houses to attract viewers. With a competitive atmosphere, the dancers and singers on each side try their best to attract people's attention. Some strippers even take off the trousers of male viewers and persuade them to join in the dancing, while others bathe in public or perform nude with snakes.

Dozens of troupes operate stripteases in the small town, which reportedly brings in a small fortune. A troupe boss told a reporter that he earned more than $25,000 last year, while a male singer in the troupe said he had purchased three apartments with his wages. Most of the dancers are local women, the boss said.

 

[pepperman]

Strange Actual Newspaper Headlines


Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years
Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved

MacArthur Flies Back to Front

Deer Kill 17,000

Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains

New Vaccine To Contain Rabies

Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out"

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Bridge Held Up By Red Tape

Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

British Left Waffles on Falklands

Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead

New Vaccine May Contain AIDS

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors

Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be electrocuted twice for the same Crime

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

Police Found Safe Under Blanket

William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

The Governor's Pen Is Busy (without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)

Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies

Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984

Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While

War Dims Hope for Peace

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead

Man is Fatally Slain

 

[pepperman]

Banned From Walmart

Banned from Walmart



Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with
us again unless your husband stops his antics while you are shopping.
Below is a list of offenses over the past few months, all verified by
our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
ladies' restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3 in housewares".....and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When our clerks ask whether they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department practiced his "Madonna look"
using different sized funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams, "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

And last but not least:
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, and waited a
while; then yelled very loudly, "There is no

 

[pepperman]

Strange Little Short Jokes


I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us.....pass this on.

 

[pepperman]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin th em fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin . ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

 

[Conti94]

LOL! those are pretty good pepps.

 

[Stack]

The Big ten puts that southern football thing to rest... Come on now

 

[pepperman]

40 Strange ThingsYou might Not Know

40 Strange Things You Might Not Know

40 STRANGE THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.

3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.

9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10. Every person has a unique tongue print

11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.

13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

18. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be "set" in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

22. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!

26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple and silver!

27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).

32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola

35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record... for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.

40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them. I can't believe I have made it this far in life... unaware of some of these facts

 

[pepperman]

Why Men Have Dogs

Why Men Have Dogs

This may be why lots of men have dogs and not wives.

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

 

[pepperman]

Thw WV Firsherman and The DNR

WV Fisherman

A man was stopped by the DNR in Preston County West Virginia recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving the Cheat River.

The DNR officer asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice
chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of balony! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the DNR officer for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the DNR officer turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in West Virginia may not be as smart as some, but we're not as dumb as most.