Joke Thread

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fossten

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Ok, guys, let's put our jokes here. Come one, come all! Bryan, Joey, you guys tell us the rules and restraints so we don't get out of hand.

Here's my debut:

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
 
The duck story

A young man is coming of age and his father wants to see that he is taught the facts of life properly. The family is poor but the father is determined. He schemes that they could trade the family duck for the service of a young lady at the local cathouse.

The boy gets dressed in his Sunday best and heads for the house of ill repute with his duck on a leash. He knocks on the door and the Madam greets him. He offers the duck and is told to knock on door 3.

He is told to put his duck in the corner and get undressed. They go at it and when finished the young lady says "You were wonderful. If we can do it again I'll give you your duck back". They go at it again.

The kid gets dressed, takes his duck and heads home. All of a sudden, a truck runs up on the sidewalk and smashes the poor duck to smithereens. The truck driver jumps out and the kid starts crying. The truck driver offers the kid $2.00 for the dead duck and he takes it.

He walks in the house without the duck and the father is all smiles. He asks "How was it?"

The kid replys, "Not bad. I got a XXXX for a duck, a duck for a XXXX and two bucks for a XXXX-ed up duck" :q :I :I :I :I
 
What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The
People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father
in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think
I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class
while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
and The Future is in deep :q:q:q:q."
 
Bill Clinton emerges from Air Force One with a pig under each arm. He walks down the steps and is saluted by the soldier at the bottom.

"Nice pigs, Sir" said the soldier.

"Got 'em for Hillary" says Bill

"Good trade, Sir!"
 
Australian bricklayer report

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Department.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
 
Ouch!

The show Mythbusters did a segment on that very series of events and they, after several attemps and finally weakening the bottom of the barrel, were able to duplicate them. Ouch!
 
A good son............

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Fred


At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Okay, you can plant the potatoes now. That was the best I could do from here.

Love Fred
 
barry2952 said:
A good son............

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Fred


At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Okay, you can plant the potatoes now. That was the best I could do from here.

Love Fred
Click to expand...
:gr_hail: :gr_hail:
 
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