Senator Frist Determines SpongeBob Suffers Kidney Ailment

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Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said he was alarmed to conclude that the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants suffers a rare kidney disorder after watching a few minutes of the children’s program while shopping for a plasma television.

“I was immediately able to diagnose that SpongeBob clearly displays the ailments associated with glomerulonephritis, especially yellowing of the skin. He requires immediate medical care and therefore I am proposing the SpongeBob bill before the Senate in an emergency session,” Frist said.
This kidney disease usually requires a throat culture, urine and blood tests as well as an electrocardiogram and renal ultrasound to full diagnose this condition. However, Frist claims his medical instincts and observational skills enable him to offer accurate diagnosis merely by watching video, as he did in the case of Teri Schiavo.

A White House source however indicated that the president would not rush back to Washington to sign the bill. "He already got burned with that stunt once and made it clear to Karl Rove that he's not going this again," said the person who asked not to be identified.

 

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Congress Votes To
Keep Lobbyists Tube
Inserted Into Tom Delay's Coffers

Congress voted in an emergency weekend session to reinsert a vacuum tube that feeds campaign contributions from lobbyists directly into the coffers of House Majority Leader Tom Delay.

A judge recently ruled that the tube be removed pending an investigation into potential ethics violations of Delay. After extraordinary efforts by Delay’s congressional colleagues, members of congress convened on Capitol Hill on Palm Sunday to pass the legislation demanding the reinsertion of the tube.

President Bush cut short an accident prone mountain bike excursion at his Texas ranch to fly back to Washington to sign the bill. Pending action by a federal judge, who owes his appointment to Bush, the tube should be fully functional before the Majority Leader suffers any serious loss of contributions. Delay has termed this money the “critical life blood to my defense fund.”

 

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DC Escort Outed As Former Journalist, Bringing Shame to Prostitution

A Washington DC male escort who goes by the alias “Jim Bullet” was outed by Internet bloggers as a former political reporter. The story sent shockwaves throughout the prostitution business in the nation’s capitol.

Bullet is furious with the damaging revelation and fired off irate emails to the bloggers attacking them for digging into “mistakes of his past that he deeply regrets.” In one email Bullet wrote “Shouldn’t a person be given a second chance as a prostitute without having his shameful past dragged back into the public?”

Many male and female escorts are worried this news could damage the reputation of their industry. “It pulls us down the level of whoring of a journalist and that tarnishes us like you wouldn’t believe,” said a highly paid hooker whose clientele includes high-ranking politicians and government officials.

Executives who manage the escort services are demanding to know how a former journalist was able to get credentialed as a hooker. “We have standards and this was clearly a violation of them,” an escort manager said.

 

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Bush To Give Inaugural
Address In Aramaic

White House speech writers confirmed that President Bush will give his inaugural address in Aramaic, the ancient language spoken by Jesus. Bush’s senior advisor, Karl Rove, said that the president is doing this to unite the nation.

“We had a divisive campaign and the president wanted to show that he’s reaching out to all Americans, except the heathens, by speaking the language of our lord and savior,” Rove explained.

Bush will also use coded biblical references in his address to make it clear to his evangelical supports that he believes Jesus supports partial privatization of Social Security as well as a cap on medical malpractice suits.

“The president will set the tone for his second term by offering an olive branch to Democrats. They’ll have a choice to agree to his policies without change or rot in burning hell for eternity,” Rove said.

 

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Gonzales Pledges To Prosecute Those He Gave Permission
To Use Torture

Attorney general nominee Alberto “Sparky” Gonzales assured senators at his confirmation hearing that he will rigorously prosecute those who tortured prisoners based on memos granting permission to do so authored by Gonzales.

In a solemn tone, Gonzales stated that anyone who followed his explicit dismissal of the Geneva conventions and subjected detainees to inhuman treatment in Cuba and Iraq clearly violated the law and will be punished.

“As Attorney General I will not tolerate such abuse. We must honor international treaties, which is why I have requested all copies of previous memos I wrote stating otherwise be destroyed and disavowed,” Gonzales said. He also promised that any future memos will only advocate breaking the law when it is in the best interest of the “American people” not “my buddy Bush.”

 

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Bush Lets Clinton Use
Lincoln Bedroom
To Raise Tsunami Funds

President George W. Bush is allowing former President Bill Clinton to use the Lincoln Bedroom to raise funds for tsunami relief efforts. Bush approved the request from the former president for access to the famous room in the White House in light of the enormous amount of money Clinton collected from contributors in exchange for staying there.

“Bill Clinton reminded me of just how much he raised using that room and in this case it’s actually for a worthy cause,” Bush said at a White House ceremony attended by Clinton, Bush’s father and some guy in a baseball cap no one could identify.

A visibly delighted Clinton told those in attendance that he relished the opportunity. “You ain’t seen nothing yet when it comes to fundraising. I’m going to put all my passion…uh energy into bringing in the big bucks because I truly feel the pain of the victims of this tragedy,” Clinton said as he suddenly wiped a tear from his cheek.