Jokes Thread

[pepperman]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

 

[ekenkade]

oh, now that's good

 

[JC1994]

:bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl: :bowrofl:

 

[pepperman]

One night last week I was going to bed when my wife pointed out that I'd stupidly left the light on in the garden shed. As I looked out of the window I noticed that there were several people in the shed, stealing our belongings. I immediately phoned the Police who told me that there was nobody in that vicinity and that they'd send somebody over as soon as they were available.

I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."

Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"

I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"

 

[JC1994]

:lol: :lol:

 

[pepperman]

This was from early 70's, somebody wanted to
sell a sewing machine in the classified ads:

Monday
FOR SALE
R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 958-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday
NOTICE We regret having erred in R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.

Wednesday
R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands correct as follows:

FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

Thursday
NOTICE
I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 948-0707, as the telephone has been taken out. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

 

[pepperman]

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDP A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

 

[pepperman]

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor.

"The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yes - but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."

 

[pepperman]

The Blonde, The Rabbi and The KKK

A rabbi in the Deep South said to his congregation, "someone in this congregation has spread a false rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible falsehood, and one which this Jewish community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this congregation."

No one moved.

The rabbi continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from a third row seat. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The rabbi passed out, but the congregation roared.

 

[pepperman]

He's 85, The Bride's 25 - What a Honeymoon!

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their Wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.


She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I Was here already?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.

 

[ekenkade]

this is my new favorite thread