For sale is my dear Silver Streak. She has been family for fourteen long years - longer than most marriages. Three of my four children at one point in time or another drove Her as their exclusive vehicle. But she is now beyond my repair capabilities; and, like other family members, must now pass on . . .
Following are the problems from which She now currently suffers & I detail them for you so that if you decide to come for a viewing, you will not be compelled to disparage my baby, for it would do you no good, and would most likely result in physical bodily harm.
We begin in the beginning, i.e., the front. Due to a recent & unfortunate meeting with the rear of another vehicle, Her front sustained an impact during which the hood was damaged - it now must be secured with a rope so that it doesn't blow up whilst driving down the road. Both headlight assemblies were also destroyed; but, let's face it, being a '96 and without the later-year-model HID headlamps, you can't really tell any difference between what light the headlights use to put out compared to the complete lack of light now after their destruction.
This recent impact, the fault of whom I will not name here (Anna), is the only auto accident in which She has ever been involved, which is more than I can say for myself & almost every other person in my family.
Progressing from the front, we move underneath. Well, if the suspension worked, we could get underneath, but not now for I never replaced the original air shock system with coil springs - I wanted to keep Her as original as possible. At some point, I did replace both rear & front air shocks & even the air pump itself, but there is a leak in the system - go figure. So now if left overnight or longer without running, all air escapes the system and She resembles some low rider you saw in Los Angeles, but without the ability to instantly rise again - that takes quite an effort from the air pump while running down the road. Therefore, any trip out requires the first 10-20 miles be driven very carefully as She starts out very low, low, low . . .
If we were able to get underneath, we could closely inspect the transmission, upon which you would discover that it is not the original - no, no, no - it's not even a transmission for a 1996 Lincoln Mark VIII, but rather I rebuilt & installed transmission from a 1998 Lincoln Mark VIII instead. This I did for various reasons into which I will not delve here.
If you've read this far, then you may know the advantages of having a 1998 transmission over a 1996 transmission & so I will bore you no more with transmission talk. Suffice it to say that even this 1998 transmission will need to be rebuilt as the overdrive band is not engaging. So no overdrive, just gears 1, 2, and 3. So as you cruise down the road of life, over 45 mph or so you're pushing higher RPMs & using up fuel because of the complete inability to engage that last gear - overdrive.
During the R&R of the transmission, I discovered a broken transmission mount. No one sold it anymore, so I had the wonderful gentlemen at the St. Pete Goodyear Rubber Co. professionally affix new rubber to the mount.
An overall examination of the exterior may reveal some clear-coat missing here & there; but hey, what do you expect with a car with over 200k on its odometer?? She's not as young as She used to be. (neither am i)
If you're not drunk & seeing Her in daylight, you may also notice a dent at the top & front of the front passenger quarter panel. I'm not sure how that got there - I envision one of my 6'5"+ feared-by-football-player sons tripping into Her and putting out a hand to break their fall - well, the She saved them.
If you're read this far, then you are either still interested or a fan of Stephen King horror stories. Either way, I shall continue.
As we open Her driver's door -
. . . now, if you ask yourself front or rear - stop reading & go away. You obviously know nothing about the Lincoln Mark VIII - A COUPE - and you don't deserve one . . .
-- you gasp in dismay & bewilderment because your fingers touch no door handle - IT'S NOT THERE!! You see, years ago, I broke it - how you ask? I WAS TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR! It's not my fault the door handle was composed of pot metal, is it? (not Her's either, btw)
Either way, you now make your way to Her passenger door (as that is the only way into the interior of my precious) and open the door. Yes, the floor mats & carpet are stained & well-worn. Remember, She has gone through the teen years of THREE kids AND also been a loaner vehicle - for months at a time - to three of my now adult children - two of whom have FIVE KIDS BETWEEN THEM. So, She's seen more fast-food, soft drinks, sodas, 7-11 slurpees, chocolate, lollipops banks-hand-out-at-the-drive-thru, gas-station pastries, Starbuck's, Dunkin' Doughnuts, and Krispy Creams than you most likely will ever consume in your lifetime.
At the present, She is clean - but still retains Her feasting wounds -- and proudly.
Her driver's seat is now black leather, not the original gray leather. Why? Well, either I just wanted to be different, or it could have something to do with the fact that the original front seat frame broke beyond repair & rather than constantly get pulled over by our friends in law enforcement because I looked like a thug with one hand on the wheel while leaning back at a stupid angle, I decided that if I did have an accident, I wanted to see what hit me - so I replaced it.
The passenger & rear seats are original - though a cursory review of them reveals similar fast-food war wounds of which I have already unnecessarily recanted in gross detail above.
While you set in this Lincoln luxury car & gaze out Her windows, you may think you're going color blind - you're not. Since She was last tinted in 2001, Her existing tint has now purpled - probably also most likely contributed to in some way by one of my children using non-ammonia-free window cleaner on the inside of Her windows while preparing Her for a night out on the town.
When you finally decide to breath life into my precious & you turn the key, She starts - hesitantly - gulping for fuel - PRESS THE GAS PEDAL - KEEP HER ALIVE, MAN! As She warms, She's better; but at idle She runs rough. It's because an electrically-controlled flap at the fire-wall end of the engine just below the intake manifold is inoperable. This controls the amount of air that enters the engine & its failure allows too much air at lower speeds - hence why She idles rough.
If your passenger questions the metal box with lots of wires sitting in the passenger floorboard, open their door, pull them out & leave without them - they don't deserve to ride with you. That box is the VLRCM - Variable Load Relay Control Module. This particular module was specific & unique to the 1996 Lincoln Mark VIII. Among its many functions, it houses the relay for the fuel pump & radiator cooling fans.
Someone at Lincoln thought it would be a good idea to put this at the front of the engine - a place where it would heat & cool to extreme temperatures over a lifetime of use. Such heating & cooling gradually causes separation of differing metals within it & causes it to NOT WORK.
So, I fixed it by relocated it. Before its relocation and after an initial trip somewhere, I would have to wait about five hours before it would properly control the fuel pump relay. I had it rewired all the way from the front of the engine to inside the passenger compartment. Since this endeavor, She has not once left me stranded.
As you cruise & reach over to play the radio - no that's the tortured shriek of a barred owl of North America - that high-pitched crackling is caused by a failed unique-to-this-car amplifier. Again, thank you Lincoln engineers for choosing to put this delicate box containing sensitive electronics just under the rear-window window-sill - a location that is heated & cooled to extreme temperatures over the life of the car - especially in the hot Florida sun.
There are, of course, other things I could mention, but it hurts too much to write about my baby this way.
I will leave you with this thought - She is for sale. Someone will buy Her. It could be you. If you come and start pointing out all the things wrong with Her - I will ask you to leave - you don't deserve Her.
If you can see Her beauty, Her style, and Her grace and want to be a part of that, please come . . .
P.S. - Her air conditioner doesn't work either.
Best offer takes Her.
