my beater, CANT BE BEAT!!!

We got an 84 Oldsmobile 98. Don't remember how many miles, but damn, it's in a bad way, but still runs. I don't have the entire list of problems but will try and name a few of the top of my head...
The AC doesn't work
heater doesn't work
both front seats don't move (power seats)
the passenger side front window and the driver side rear windows won't roll down
NONE of the lights in the dash work, not even for the turn signals
The front door panels have collapsed so much that when you pull the handles they buckle in half
the hood liner is falling to pieces
the vinyl roof is just nasty
the trim's coming off and the paint has gone to heck
the power steering pump is on it's last legs, makes a fantastic squeal whenever you turn the wheel
Best of all, when you stomp it, an ENORMOUS cloud of smoke pours out the back. Makes quite a smoke screen.

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture or two to prove any of this so...
I can tell you it's supposed to look like this but it...doesn't
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3330/3586760505_837dcd4398.jpg
 

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