You got jokes?

Chadly

Chadly

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Lets hear them. I will start it off:

What is the opposite Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken
 
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
So, this guy from Phoenix goes to Hell, and meets the Devil. The Devil laughs, "hot enough for you down here?"
The man replies "No... I'm from Phoenix, this is nice."
So the Devil gets mad and turns up the heat, and see's one bead of sweat on the guys brow. "How about now, boy!" the Devil shouts!
The man replies; "Eh, it's ok."
At this point the Devil is really pissed. He decides to turn the heat off, to get back at the guy. At that moment, you can hear the crackle of ice as it begins to over run Hell itself.
The man goes CRAZY!! "WOOT!! WOOT!!" takes off his shirt and runs all wild alll over the place yelling and hollerin'. "WOOT!, WOOT!"
The Devil is very confused at this point. Asking the man "WTF!"
The man yells back, WHoo hoo! Hell has frozen over!! The Cardinals must be going to the Super Bowl!!

:cool:

Big%20Red.jpg
 
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."

Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."

Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."

Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world."

The other three guys say really? Why's that?

And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I :q:q:q:q my pants!"
 
rectum stretcher

Guy drives under an overpass, whooooooo!- lights and siren.
Guy pulls over and the cop walks up "what's your hurry? I clocked you at 80!"
Guy says "I'm on the way to the hospital- I'm a rectum stretcher."
Cop says "What's that?"
Guy says "Well, first you lube up and work your pinky in there, keep stretching until you can get your fist in, lube up the other hand and keep working until both hands are in, keep stretching and you can eventually get to about six feet."
Cop says "What do you do with a six foot rectum?"
Guy says "Well you give him a gun and a badge and park him on an overpass!"
Ticket $375. Look on the cop's face- priceless!
 
Lawyer Golf


Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite The same without him.

A new lady lawyer joined their firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up. "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college, and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally
one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty
early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage
her immediately.

The woman said this wouldn't be a problem, but asked if it was ok as
she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes
but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there at 6:30 or possibly
6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round.

The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated
her and happily invited her back the next week.

She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6.30 or 6:45."

The next week, she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only
this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were
incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round
despite playing with her off-hand.

By now, the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just
trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They
couldn't figure her out.

In the third week, they all had their game faces on. But this week,
she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each
was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat
her.

As they waited for her, they figured Her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week, the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good
thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so
gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to
keep a grudge against her.

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which
helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could
contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do
you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'When my Dad taught me to
play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun
switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and
got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then
on, I developed a silly habit. Before I leave in the morning for
golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-
what' Was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed, and if it
was pointing to the left, I golfed left-handed."

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at
this bizarre information, the wittiest one of the guys shot ack,
"But what if it pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late!"
​
 
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade: "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said: "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered: "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it’s that you should never mess with anyone who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear!"
 
It was 3 o'clock AM and Stacy and Karrie were leaving the bar, completely plastered.

On the way home, they passed a cemetery and both really had to use the bathroom. So they stopped and popped a squat.

Seeing as there was no toilet paper around, Stacy decided to take off her panties and use them.

Karrie saw a wreath with a ribbon hanging on a tombstone, and snatched it down.

That afternoon, Stacy's husband became concerned when he found she was still asleep and called Karrie's husband.

"I'm a little worried, Stacy has never slept in this late, and... well, she doesn't have any underwear on..."

"You think that's bad, Karrie is laying in bed with a card stuck to her ass that says, 'Hate to see you go, You will always be remembered. Signed the guys at the Fire station'"
 
What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A whore will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone but you.
 
Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down, except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued but continues to the second floor where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow!" she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 5,131,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

:cool:
 
Fast Sex !

FAST SEX !

Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else.

One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said
I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

:cool:
 
this thread has made my day. woo!

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"
 
An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check; I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you
about my weekend!"

:cool:

*Note* See post #19.
 
WalMart Bingo

Instructions: Print this card out and take it with you to Walmart. Put an "X" in the square when you see a match.

:cool:

Image.jpg
 
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible! So
many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a
Brazilian?'

:cool:
 
No Speakah De English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."


The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."


"Hey, coola' down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about'a sex? I'm a just'a tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi."



Bet you're gonna read this again.

:cool:
 
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