You got jokes?

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all."

"One is Evil! It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

:cool:
 
Bryan sez, man I wish I could do that... Brent sez, ya' no doubt... Rich leans over and sez... if you pet her gently she just might let ya'!
That sounds like a Lewis Grizzard bit:
A couple of good ol' boys were at a Georgia Bulldogs football game when they saw the mascot, umm, licking himself. One leaned over and told the other he wished he could do that, to which the other responded, "son, that dawg would bite you!"
 
Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all."

"One is Evil! It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

:cool:

Haha, this isn't a joke it's an old morality saying. Your other ones are very good though.
 
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello,
Could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I
think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out;
He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's
sister is very cute too.

She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me
and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he
Turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
The sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more
surprised than the others.

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were
So religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
 
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
 
"Eve's first period"

Adam and Eve are in the garden of Eden, both off doing their own thing. While picking flowers down by the lake, Eve notices she has blood running down her leg. She wonders why, because she's not hurt or anything.

Just then, she hears Adam coming down the trail. She suddenly feels very embarrassed at the situation, and runs out waist deep in the lake.

"There you are!" says Adam. "I've been looking all over for you. I'm bored, let's go do something!"

"I'm just fine right here," says Eve. "And I'm going to stay right here."

"Come on, Eve..." Adam says. "We'll have fun, I promise."

So Eve comes out of the lake. Adam of course notices the blood, and asks Eve about it. She becomes embarrassed again, and runs back into the lake. This time she won't come out, no matter how much Adam pleads.

So Adam goes to start walking through the garden of eden, and starts talking to God.

"God, I have a problem," says Adam.

"Okay, what's up?" asks God.

"Something's wrong with Eve. She's got this blood running down her leg, she's out in the lake, and won't come out, no matter how hard I try."

"F*ck," says God. "We're never gonna get the smell out of the fish."
 
:cool:

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A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab … before this job I'd been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
 
Job at the FBI


The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair ... . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

:cool:
 
5 Minute Management Course


Lesson1:

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next- door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!





THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

:cool:
 
Two guys from opposite sides of the country meet in the army and become good friends. They go through the whole war in the same unit, and when they return home, they decide that every week at the same time they will go into a bar and order 2 drinks, so that it will seem like they are having a drink with their friend. This goes on for many years, and all the bartenders in the local bar know the guy and get him the 2 drinks as soon as he walks in. One day, the guy, who is now an old man, goes into the bar looking kind of sad. The bartender goes to get him the 2 drinks, but he says "No, only one drink from now on." The bartender is very empathetic and says "Oh I'm so sorry, what happened to your friend?" "Oh nothing, he's just fine." "Oh, so why aren't you getting 2 drinks like normal, did you have a fight or something?" "No, everything is fine between us. This one is for him. My doctor told me I need to quit drinking."
 
peacock

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager
had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style
he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son."
 
- A recent survey shows that 20% of woman have admitted to being the victim of domestic abuse.
The other 80% of woman wouldn't dare open their mouths.

- I was walking down the street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty bucks, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

- I put one of those 'No tools left in van overnight ' signs on my van yesterday. This morning some cock had broken in and left a note saying 'Just checking'
 
A baby polar bear walks up to his mother. "Momma, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"

"Yes, son, you are."

"Are you sure I'm a full-blooded polar bear?"

"Well," she replies, "I'm a full-blooded polar bear, and your father is a full-blooded polar bear, so, yes, I'd say you're a full blooded polar bear."

Next he goes to his father. "Daddy, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"

"Yes, son, you are."

"Are you sure I'm a full-blooded polar bear?"

"Well," he replies, "I'm a full-blooded polar bear, and your mother is a full-blooded polar bear, so, yes, you're a full blooded polar bear."

Next, he goes to his grandmother. "Grandma, am I a full blooded polar bear?"

"Yes, you are," she replies, and, having heard the other exchanges, adds, "why do you ask?"

"If I'm a full-blooded polar bear, then why am I f***ing freezing?!"
 
How to start your day with a positive outlook

1. Open a new file on your computer
2. Name it "Barack Obama"
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your computer will ask you; " Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama?"
6. Firmly click "Yes"
7. Fell better?

Good!

Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
 
A gay guy and a straight guy are riding in a car and get into a terrible accident. Both of them are killed on impact. If they both go to heaven which one will get there first?



The gay guy, cuz his :q:q:q:qs already packed.
 
A duplex burns to the ground, one side is occupied by a small group of lesbians, the other is occupied by a small group of gay men, who survives? Well, the lesbians, they got out lickety split while the gay guys were still packing their $hit!
 
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helecopter on the White House lawn, he was carrying a piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:

"Nice pigs, Sir!"

The President replies:

"These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says:

"Good trade, Sir!"
 

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