You got jokes?
- Thread starter Chadly
- Start date
Pete and Joe have been buddies for years, and Pete has always marveled at Joe's way with women. One day, he asks Joe for his secret.
"Buddy, it's all about breaking the ice." Pete is obviously nonplussed by this, so Joe elaborates. "Here's an example. It's a rainy day and an attractive woman is standing at the bus stop. I'll go up to her and say 'tickle your ass with a feather?' At this point, one of two things will happen: she'll look interested or she'll look upset. If she looks interested, I'm in; if she looks upset, I'll say 'I said, "Particularly nasty weather,"' and she'll relax a bit. Either way, the ice is broken."
Pete thinks about this for awhile, then he heads off to the local bus stop. As luck would have it, an attractive woman is waiting for the bus, so he walks up to her. "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
She turns around, obviously put out. "What did you say to me!?"
To which Pete responds, "Look at them f**kin' clouds..."
"Buddy, it's all about breaking the ice." Pete is obviously nonplussed by this, so Joe elaborates. "Here's an example. It's a rainy day and an attractive woman is standing at the bus stop. I'll go up to her and say 'tickle your ass with a feather?' At this point, one of two things will happen: she'll look interested or she'll look upset. If she looks interested, I'm in; if she looks upset, I'll say 'I said, "Particularly nasty weather,"' and she'll relax a bit. Either way, the ice is broken."
Pete thinks about this for awhile, then he heads off to the local bus stop. As luck would have it, an attractive woman is waiting for the bus, so he walks up to her. "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
She turns around, obviously put out. "What did you say to me!?"
To which Pete responds, "Look at them f**kin' clouds..."
Bill is out walking the beach on the Riviera and is talking up all the topless ladies but can't get any of them interested in seeing him later.
Spotting a good looking guy with girls crowded all around him, he goes over and asks him what he should do to change his luck.
Looking Bill over the fellow tells Bill to go up to the market, buy a potato and put it in his swimming trunks.
Bill fgures, what the hell? and does as the guy suggested.
Strolling the beach with renewed confidence Bill meets with rejection bordering on rudeness.
Going back to the fellow with all the girls, he tells him he did as he suggested but now everyone is just being nasty to him.
Looking him over again the guy tells Bill to move the potato to the front of his swim trunks and try again.
Spotting a good looking guy with girls crowded all around him, he goes over and asks him what he should do to change his luck.
Looking Bill over the fellow tells Bill to go up to the market, buy a potato and put it in his swimming trunks.
Bill fgures, what the hell? and does as the guy suggested.
Strolling the beach with renewed confidence Bill meets with rejection bordering on rudeness.
Going back to the fellow with all the girls, he tells him he did as he suggested but now everyone is just being nasty to him.
Looking him over again the guy tells Bill to move the potato to the front of his swim trunks and try again.
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: 'Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey,
harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
16. Nacho
Hey man, that's nacho cheese!
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: 'Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey,
harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
16. Nacho
Hey man, that's nacho cheese!
torquemonkey
Dedicated LVC Member
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap..
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can..
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap..
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can..
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
Nova Prime
Well-Known LVC Member
What's the difference between like and love? Spit and swallow.
torquemonkey
Dedicated LVC Member
Nova Prime
Well-Known LVC Member
Why is pubic hair curly? Because if it were straight you'd poke your eyes out.
96hotrodlincoln
Dedicated LVC Member
I love it guys, had me rolling on a few of those.
Nova Prime
Well-Known LVC Member
What's the only thing a used tampon is good for? A tea bag for a vampire.
Nova Prime
Well-Known LVC Member
What would George Carlin be doing if he were still alive today? Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
Nova Prime
Well-Known LVC Member
What's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Hellen Keller playing tennis.
Nova Prime
Well-Known LVC Member
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it for a drag.
chicken
SHEOOOOOOOOT
lolol @ torque lol
Chadly
Dedicated LVC Member
That is effing great! I love def lep, but i like that joke even more.
torquemonkey
Dedicated LVC Member
For you Chicken...
chicken
SHEOOOOOOOOT
nice lol
torquemonkey
Dedicated LVC Member
chicken
SHEOOOOOOOOT
lolol stupid terrorists FTW!!!!!
torquemonkey
Dedicated LVC Member
Subject: Huntin' camp
The guys were all at huntin' camp. No one wanted to room with *Chicken, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns, sharing a room.
The Rich slept with Chicken and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened
to you? He said, 'Chicken snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.
The next night it was a Pepp's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to
you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Chicken shakes the roof with his
snoring. I watched him all night .
The third night was Jim's turn. Jim is a big burly ex-Football player man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what
happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Chicken into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Chicken sat up and watched me all night.
The guys were all at huntin' camp. No one wanted to room with *Chicken, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns, sharing a room.
The Rich slept with Chicken and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened
to you? He said, 'Chicken snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.
The next night it was a Pepp's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to
you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Chicken shakes the roof with his
snoring. I watched him all night .
The third night was Jim's turn. Jim is a big burly ex-Football player man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what
happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Chicken into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Chicken sat up and watched me all night.
chicken
SHEOOOOOOOOT
torquemonkey
Dedicated LVC Member
Three men were siting on a back porch after a wild night in Boscobel. Bryan, Rich and Brent were were finishing off the last of pony keg and their eyes caught Jazz, a gorgeous Collie, cleaning herself.
Bryan sez, man I wish I could do that... Brent sez, ya' no doubt... Rich leans over and sez... if you pet her gently she just might let ya'!
Bryan sez, man I wish I could do that... Brent sez, ya' no doubt... Rich leans over and sez... if you pet her gently she just might let ya'!
chicken
SHEOOOOOOOOT
:bowrofl:
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